lobotomy, mental illness, Uncategorized

The Epistle of Forgiveness

I woke up this morning, totally clean off the long list of my mental illnesses, which I suffered from for 25 years, or more. …Yesss, it is a miracle and miracles happen. Thanks lord for the healing. No matter how late, I always knew it, my faith never doubted your healing.
 I know by heart the story of the sick man who waited 38 years by the lake for someone to volunteer and push him towards the water when your angel comes to stir it, yet no one ever cared, but you did,  my lord.
Dear sweet Jesus,Thanks for the healing. The healing of that sick dude by the lake but not for my “Never Happened” kind of healing as I stopped asking you for it. I still believe in you though, as my lord, my saviour and my God,  but it just too late Jesus, too late.

I always wondered, Could it not had just made more sense as a miracle to offer the lake guy,  aside of the healing,  his life back as well!!  makes sense to you??  all these years which were wasted while he was battling day and night in constant pain such an absurd battle like a soldier who found himself in a middle of fierce, endless, painful, pointless, undescribable battle, he was not even a soldier Jesus and you knew it, nevertheless,  you put him in a begging status for a victory he had never wished to acquire, such an empty shallow victory with no virtue or wisdom in it. The soldier hopelessly trying to avoid the deadly stabs he recieves from every possible direction, but he has no idea where the hell they keep relentlessly comin from and the bleeding has never stopped Jesus, it has never stopped.
By any chance lord, had the dude of the lake ever got a chance to catch up with life after 38 years of laying by a stupid lake like a tree in a vegatative state!!!  an aching, decaying and rotten tree!? we never knew and you never said. Did he have any family? a waiting wife? Kids? or he was just waiting 38 years to start a family, going to college and look for a job, after the healing???
Jesus, we grow old, remember? You made us that way. Jesus, look…When you set free a wrongfully accused prisoner who spent 38 years in his solitary confinement , he probably will kill some inmate before the release day to maintain a ceiling over his head, nasty 3 meals they offer him inside , and the medical services which he won’t at that late phase of life be able to provide outside…..Well, well, Jesus, actually the truth is that he wanted to stay inside not really to keep the ceiling, the meals or the medical attention , but because he just can’t go back outside ,  “The Outside” which he was taken from by no good reason,  “The Outside” which he scares it by now, no attachment left jesus,  the desire to reconcile with ” The Outside” was diminshed long time ago, Jesus, Now you are sending him to “The Outside” under an act only you call it  “Mercy and better late than never, Justice”.
…Com’on jesus,  just leave the man alone to spend what’s left in his life where he used to live without even knowing why he ended up in that place…. actually he stopped wondering.
Seriuolsly!!!Jesus!!! you just throw people into this to show up after 38 years and to preform the healing act from exactly what you had intensionaly and cruelly implanted into them 38 years ago? and you call that a miracle? mmmmm!!!
 Oh yeah, the pastor says “illness is not from God, God does Not ever send such bad things”  oh, So sure he means that the Satan which also you created as an angel and then changed your mind, is the one who does this to our bodies, brains and lives!!? fine by me, fine by me, so may be next time I got to negotiate with “Your Handmade”  Satan directly for a deal of relief.
…. The Satan which you have defeated by your ressurction, so he gets No control over our lives, brains and bodies, seems that he “Resurrected” as well, Jesus, to strip you from the power of hurting but keeps to you the power of healing after 38 years. Is that the balanced deal of the good cop and the bad cop? is that the bet between you guys over our lives and souls?
Jesus, the pastor also said as well that we do not understand the concept of the miracles… as miracles take place for the world to glorify you and know that you are ” the way, the truth and the life”  O, Lord, you just added an insult to an injury,  that even makes it worse. So you have just helped the lake man who was eaten alive for 38 years of pain just to use him as a demonstrating dummy to prove your Godly powers!!!! and for the rest to believe that you are the one and the only God”, I think it was fair to tell him that you even do not give a damn about what he personally endured, and the show would have gone on anyways with any other stage guest. Believe it or not Jesus, that guy had first , middle and last name just exactly like you , may be just your gospels forgot his name, or actually his name was considered as an extra unnecessary piece of knowledge which won’t add to the show any extra value….

 Jesus, did you really ask him if he wants to get well?  Was he just tanning there for 38 years?  now I know why there is no mention of your buddy  “Lazarus” after you raised him from death, probably because he died again in couple weeks or so.

Jesus, is it the lifetime chronic pain is the thing which paves our way to heaven?? …. So those I have met in the “Lunatic Asylums” whom were involuntary stripped from the reality, their sanity, their identities, their memories, their consciousness, their cognitive abilities, their human emotions and human roles as mothers, fathers , sons, daughters, sisters and brothers.  Jesus, you stripped those brainless mad from their ability to experience real and humane life, you separated them from the ones they used to know and used to love to be locked up in cages which phsyciatry students love to visit , watch and take notes through their field trips to these funny farms …… Are these patients are the chosen ones for your “after life” smart surprise, ha? Jesus? because let me tell you if you are not knowledgeble enough about your produce; those people got no brains to know you anymore, got not will to wait in faith for your healing or your heaven, got no spirituality to feel the glory of this experiment, got no feelings left either for you or anyone else. In their good and sane days, the maximum level of wellness they could reach is to be like the playfull pets , do you take pets in heaven,  jesus?  you might start considering taking in pets because pets know who feeds them and they are capable to develop feelings and they do feel and enjoy reality but those patients do not , they do not, jesus, they just don’t. They won’t know you, and they won’t happily jump in air when you come home, not because they can’t jump but because simply they do not understand what home is anymore jesus….Oh, of course, that also does not matter to you and those maniacs will be also Involuntary thrown into your heaven?  I forgot,  We are all just “Yours”…

We are just yours ,Jesus, and every thing must be only for your own glory and the life on earth is just delusions such an evaporated steam, right Jesus? .
 Isn’t that the same exact evaporated steam life which you cried out all night while you were heavily sweating to your father to maintain it and secure it for you!!!  Isn’t that the exact same pain which you encourage us to happily recieve and enjoy for your own sake, the same exact pain you cried to your father to be bypassed so you do not feel it !!!
You wanted life Jesus yourself, so do not lie please,  you hated pain also.
You felt at a moment that this thing which will save the whole humanity from the eternal pain could just be rescheduled or even better that it does not ever take place at all because you believed , even for only one night,  that your personal life on earth could not just be cut short in such an absurd fashion!!!!
… At that moment,  it was not a good reason for you jesus to be put through all that pain. Saving the humanity for you at that monent wasn’t a good reason to bare such pain.
…You loved life, Jesus, you loved yourself , yes you did , yes you did,  while asking others to hate it. You cried out loudly to your daddy to hire someone else for that mission.
… Jesus why you got so scared and terrified from pain and death? Why you cared about your earthy life? ….. If only I have the same assurance you had that my pain is saving the world and without it the whole humanity will be put in an eternal distress , I might have accepted my fate without spending all night begging not to go through it , I would have accepted it in more bravery manner than you jesus.
… Jesus you were coward and weak which is fine by me, just admit it… Jesus, you wanted to back off and cancel the mission which you were sent to earth only to execute but for us, pain should be happiness , loss should be gain, dark narrow depressive tunnels must feel like beautiful parks, Take pain and thank me , take more happily,- give me more pain please jesus-  you say “loose your life … fine fine, rewards are waiting , no pain no gain”  ha? , so death should be fun, and all to bless and to glorify your name….
…Jesus , let me tell you this , the life you failed to design intelligently is already meaningless and unbearable even before adding the fun part to it which you call it “The Blessed Pain” . So are you adding pain just to reach with us a new level of torturing? like a kid who is playing a video game and can not handle the excitement of reaching a new level!?
Oh, Jesus, I would never hate you or doubt you , simply because of my “Apathetic Depression” I am not capable to hate or love anymore. Thanks to you or to your satan or to your life or to your sacred plan or to whoever contributed in designing my lovely life, I really do know him, and have no interest to.
Hope you read this one day Jesus, because I know your lawyers, subordinates and servants on earth do not pass such notes to your attention so they do not change your mood. Sorry Jesus, for changing your mood by my unsacerd rant, I just don’t have whoever stop whatsoever changes the mood before it reaches me. I don’t have your luxurious Godly life, dear lord , Jesus.
Your beloved son
🕸🥀Michael SF Ibrahim🥀🕸

Papin..when madness comes in pairs